I still remember the moment. Senior year of high school. Soccer state finals. 2nd overtime. Game tied 1-1. The pressure in the stadium was building. We had a history to uphold. I felt like I had to make some big play or score some insane goal in order to fulfil my purpose on the field. I put all this pressure on me to carry the team to the title. I remember cracking a shot off the crossbar and being mad at myself cause I thought I had lost my chance. I still remember clearing a ball from our defensive half and watching my teammate run onto it and score the game winning goal. I remember the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders, but the funny thing is, it didn’t have to be there in the first place. I had put that weight there, and there was no need for it.
Obviously big moments like a state title game have pressure on it, but I felt as though I would have enjoyed the game so much more if I saw it as another opportunity to play a game I love, instead of thinking, “I have to win this game because my life depends on it.”
I say this story to explain that I think we put a lot of unnecessary pressure on our lives that ultimately can hurt us and those around us. I think a lot of it comes from people around us, but I think we also weigh ourselves down at times. I don’t know if you can tell where I’m going with this, but I think this is so prevalent in relationships.
I thought I had my future figured out (cue God laughing). I would date someone in college, get engaged senior year, and be married fresh outta college. Sounds like the perfect plan, right? (Sounds like a Spring Arbor plan…right?) What I’ve learned from this philosophy is that so much joy and growth can be lost if we are so set in our ways in regards to a relationship. By thinking this way, I put an added pressure on my relationship with Bryce, and even specifically on him. When you start planning a future too soon, you end up missing the moments in between and forget to cherish them. Now, when I say “too soon”, that’s a relative term. Obviously, every relationship is different, I’m just referencing the “too soon” that happens when the pressures around us force us to plan too quickly.
I cannot even count how many times people have asked me if/when my boyfriend and I could get married. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, but when I tell them “I don’t know, we’re just enjoying our time now,” I usually get a weird look like, “You haven’t figured out yet?! You’ve been dating over a year!” Getting told this time and time again is EXHAUSTING. It makes me think, “Ah, yes, I need to start planning my wedding now.” What a ridiculous pressure to have placed on myself. This, along with the preconceived ideas I already had set in stone in my mind, becomes draining to maintain. You see with this mindset, you start having important conversations far too early, and you push for growth that isn’t ready to sprout yet. Initially, I wanted so many answers from Bryce, but I realized quickly how unfair that was, and it was all because of the pressure I placed on him and our relationship.
What I’ve been learning is that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. When I try to answer the questions of the future, I discover that I’m not enjoying my growth with my boyfriend right now. I became so consumed with the potential of being his wife, and that just puts too much pressure on our relationship. I miss out on what the Lord is trying to teach us right now because I’m submersed in this “utopian” future I have planned. Just like the pressure I experienced during my state final soccer game, the pressures I place on relationship can ultimately hinder the joy in the journey. I always have to refocus on the present and recognize that life isn’t for my own glory/benefit or meant to be stressed about. God delights in us when we can rest and relax in the Presence of the present. He will reveal to us incredible things if we give each moment to Him as it comes. The verse about not worrying about tomorrow because it has enough worries of its own might be mundane, but I find it so true in situations like this. Why should I worry about marriage when I should be enjoying where I’m at with my boyfriend?
Pressure in relationships can come in many different forms. The pressure of marriage, the pressure of a physical relationship, the pressure of your relationship looking perfect. Our generation lives on #relationshipgoals and getting married young and having kids young so we can be “hip” and “cool” parents (don’t lie to yourself, you’ve thought about it before).
It says in the Song of Solomon three times, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). I think this verse could be applied to our lives a little better. 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that statistic doesn’t change when we look at the church. I think part of this statistic has to do with the pressure we place on ourselves to get married right out of college. We are so concerned with how our relationship fits in with the status quo of the world around us, and so we cater it to fit. Little do we know that the Lord might have a totally different plan in mind. When we become set in our ways, we limit the amount of room the Spirit has to work in, and then we get upset when He starts working and busts those plans out the door.
I pray that this isn’t the case for you. I pray that your relationships are centered on Christ so that these pressures don’t affect you. I hope that your heart is so aligned with the Father’s that you won’t be swayed by what other people think. No one should ever feel pressure to start talking about marriage before they’re ready. Marriage is a big deal, and it’s time our generation starts taking it seriously.
I want to clarify that there is nothing wrong with getting engaged senior year and then getting married right out of college. It just became this philosophy for me that I felt I had to follow, but I’ve learned quickly that life rarely goes how I plan it to, and praise God for that cause His plans far exceed anything I could dream of. I’m so excited to be dating someone with no pressure or fear of the future, but simply walking in God’s grace daily and chasing after His heart.
Blessings,
Beth
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