I feel done. This sport has had too much of a say in my well-being. It literally cripples me and leaves me feeling horrible. But then other times it makes me feel like I’m on cloud nine. I don’t quite know how to navigate or handle my emotions. There is so much stock in what coaches think of me, in how well I can perform. There is a pressure that stifles the joy out of it all. I’m pretty overwhelmed. I feel like if I quit I am letting so many people down. People have come along for this journey with me and the last thing I want to do is end this impossible underdog journey I’ve been on. I’m not sure what to do. I just know that a sport and something I love to do shouldn’t be making me feel this way. It shouldn’t continue to hinder my mental health. It shouldn’t be the sole cause of all my anxiety and depression. And lately it has been. I can’t handle the standards others have for me. I can’t continue along this path I’m on. Something needs to change and I’m not quite sure what. How do I tame these emotions, and how do I not be swayed so heavily by how well training goes or if I start or sit the bench? I just don’t understand. And maybe it’s because in all of this I have little control. Sure, I can control how hard I play, but at the end of the day it’s someone else determining if I’ve done enough to earn time on the field, and that is a very sucky feeling- knowing I’m always being judged. And even when I feel I’ve done enough, when I’ve scored goals, and been effective, one bad training and I’m back to square one and go through all the emotions again of trying to figure out where I went wrong that I’ve lost what I had. Trying to figure all that out that makes everything a lot trickier, and messes with your mind so much. Sometimes I just can’t take it. Sometimes nothing makes sense.
If you asked me why I play professional soccer I wouldn’t even know how to answer it. Sure, I do it because I know God has blessed me with a gift, and I know that playing is a way of giving back to Him. But I also do it because I think it’s what people expect of me. I know I have a high ceiling and there is still so much more I can become as a soccer player, but sometimes I feel like I do it for others. Everyone talks about me getting on the national team, but do I even want that? I’m not sure. I think I want it because everyone expects it out of me. Where is the joy in that? I’ve been people pleasing my whole life without really realizing the effect it’s had on me. How do I break from this? My anxiety becomes suffocated when I think of how many people I’ll let down if I don’t continue to play. “What could have been for Bethany Balcer” plays over and over in my head. What I could have achieved, what inspiration I could have been. It’s a weight I carry with me every day and it’s something that continues to drag me forward, but it’s heavy. My mind is fried. I’ve had enough of the constant sway of emotions. Constantly feeling like I’m not good enough. The constant self-reflection of trying to be perfect just so I can get playing time. It’s exhausting. But it’s part of the job. If you aren’t analyzing yourself all the time then you’ve proven that you’re content with where you’re at and what role you have. I don’t ever want to be content, so I over analyze everything to the point of anxiety. I think about a play so much that it overwhelms me when I’ve made a poor decision in that moment and then it leads to a rabbit trail of thoughts resulting in me not being good enough or letting down the coaches and team. I know these are lies but it’s what happens to me and I don’t know how to stop it.
Some practices I come home in tears of frustration and other times I couldn’t be more grateful for what I’m doing. I never know what to expect each day. Maybe I’m not mentally tough? I’ve learned just how hard it is to have a positive attitude when you’re not playing well. When your practice is awful and you have to be there to uplift others and continue to try to work out the kinks and mistakes. It takes a different kind of strength. One I have yet to figure out how to access. I want to look like that. I want to be an incredible teammate. I want to be so in love with what I’m doing and radiate joy that no matter what happens on the field my attitude does not shift.
It’s hard to know what is adversity and what is ripping me apart mentally. It sounds harsh but sometimes I can’t distinguish the two, and that’s why doubts creep in my mind. If I know it’s adversity, whether mentally or physically, I can easily have a mindset that focuses on pushing through with mental fortitude. But sometimes it’s not adversity, and it’s something that creeps up on me and wreaks havoc in my life that has a different solution, one that looks a lot different than “just pushing through”. I think this is something a lot of people don’t understand about mental health. There is a big difference between mental toughness and mental health.
I see more and more athletes being candid about their mental health experiences and I can’t help but think of the path they are creating for others. I applaud them and am excited about the conversations that are to come regarding mental health and sport. I’ve been asking myself the question, “If soccer causes so much anxiety and depression, why am I still playing?” And to be honest, I don’t have an answer right now. But I know I will. I know I’ll get through this. I might not believe it but I have to keep telling myself I will. Things will sort themselves out. I just have to weather the storm. But the storm overtakes me at times. I get caught up in it and can’t find a way out. But I think it’s in the middle of that storm where I learn the most about myself. I think it’s okay to ask hard questions, to reflect on why I’m actually doing what I’m doing. If there isn’t purpose behind it then there is no cause for it.
There’s a lot of questions in my life that I have to answer. But I’m willing to be patient for them. I hope, if anything, in sharing this I have shed light on what mental health looks like. I’ve been bottling up these emotions for a while and haven’t known how to express them properly. I honestly wrote this on a whim after a bad training but knew I needed some type of release. So thanks for listening. Here’s to honesty always, and not feeling shame for feeling like crap sometimes.
Comments