This is a tough one to write. I usually write after I’ve gone through something or learned something. But this one is different. I’m right in the thick of it. Right in the midst of a struggle, trying to externally process and get through it. It’s hard when you know the right things to do but they seem like the hardest to accomplish.
I don’t feel like myself. I’ve lost a lot of joy. For the majority of my life it’s been easy to have joy in soccer because I’ve been successful. I’ve had bad games as does everyone, but all in all I’ve been pretty blessed with the soccer career I’ve had thus far. And that’s something I don’t ever want to forget. I have much to be grateful for. However, I’ve placed too much stock in soccer to bring me joy in my life. So now, when crap hits the fan, it’s like I’ve fallen into this deep, dark hole with no way out.
My situation is not unique. What I’m experiencing right now in soccer every single player goes through. This is the first time I’m challenged with it head-on. It’s frustrating to know your potential, and not consistently reach it. It’s frustrating to know that I have a gift and a talent, and yet freeze up when I step onto the field.
The pressure has definitely gotten the best of me. The fear of making mistakes. The unattainable standards I set for myself. It all cripples me and robs me not only of playing my best but also having joy.
This weekend my pastor said, “You can always be happy if you don’t let others determine your joy.” That really hit me. I’ve been letting my coaches determine my joy. I’ve been letting how much playing time I get determine my joy. This has caused me a lot of problems. It puts so much weight on my performance, and it leads to anxiety.
Happiness isn’t a destination, happiness is a choice (also from my pastor). You can be in the lowest place of your life and still have joy. I think this comes from gratitude. But it also comes from focusing on your purpose, not your problem. And I have been failing to do that lately. I keep looking at each individual mistake I make in a game, or sit and sulk over the minutes I didn’t get, completely forgetting that I belong here and have many things going for me. I’m here for a reason. And sometimes that reason isn’t directly related to soccer.
Another crazy realization I had this weekend is that I place too much of my worth in soccer. I never thought I did, but it’s very clear to see now. I know I’m so much more than a soccer player, and I’ve always tried to live my life that way. What I notice is that after I have a bad game, I am so concerned that people will love me less because I didn’t perform. I have many people along this journey with me, and the fear of letting them down cripples me. My mind keeps telling me, “They won’t support you anymore because you’re not doing well.” Or “They’re disappointed in you because they know you can do better.” I tie my importance to my performance, and that will always always always leave me empty. It can only last for so long, and up to this point I thought it was sustaining me. But now, I’m left feeling incomplete and useless.
This lie has been slowly manifesting for the last few years of my life, because it was easy to wrap performance and importance together. It’s gonna take unlearning that in order to move forward. What’s funny is that the people in my life have given me no reason to think that they’re tied together. They support me no matter what, but the anxiety and the lies continuously make me believe otherwise. It’s upsetting but it’s the truth.
Again, it’s easy now to see how this robs me of all my joy. I rely on my performance to bring joy to others, thus making me happy. It’s the people pleaser inside of me, but it needs to die. I won’t live up to everyone’s expectations of me, and I have to simply be okay with that and not be bothered by it. The only expectations I should meet are the ones I create for myself. However, I have to make them attainable and not impossible. Bethany the perfectionist is dangerous. I won’t be perfect. I won’t play my best every day. Heck, I might not play my best for a month, but I have to continuously lean in and remember my purpose. The drive for success can be a tough one, especially when we have to wait for it or endure through it. I have to remind myself that there is something better coming, but for now I can choose to have joy in my circumstance. I can look at my life and say, “Wow I’m playing PROFESSIONAL SOCCER. How cool is that?! I’m on the coolest team in the league who is my second family. There is JOY in that.”
My circumstance doesn’t determine my joy. Others don’t determine my joy. My performance doesn’t determine my joy. I determine my joy, and you know where I can continuously get joy from? God. I know He’s looking down on me with love. And He’s walking beside me reminding me of all these things and revealing in my spirit these truths that will set me free of any bond of anxiety or performance pressure I feel.
The process of being refined and challenged can really suck. But I have a feeling it’s gonna be the best thing to ever happen to me. Even when panic attacks come, even when I miss a pass, even when I feel the depression hit, whatever it is, my purpose remains the same, and my choice to find joy remains constant.
It’s been a crazy few weeks for me, and I have to keep my head down, find a greater perspective, know that what I’m going through is not the end of the world, and continue to give myself grace. Each day is a beautiful gift, and I need to live with a fresh joy every morning.