I’ve been hesitant to write this blog post. I haven’t written in a while, but once again, I feel like I must be transparent and open about the things I am struggling with, as I know I am not alone in this. I wish I could start 2021 out with a super happy post about new beginnings and a fresh start. Although I’m grateful for a new year and what it could bring, there are still things that are constantly weighing me down, and I feel addressing them releases the load they bring upon me. So here goes…
I started struggling with body image my senior year of college. A life event that caused a lot of stress propelled me into a dark place. People’s response to stress varies. Some completely isolate themselves, others sleep a lot, and maybe some binge-eat. For me, I don’t eat at all. I usually lock myself in a room and rarely come out. That’s at my worst. In other moments where the stress isn’t as intense, I tend to skip some meals and pretend like nothing’s wrong.
Once I started skipping meals senior year of college (mind you during soccer season), I obviously started losing weight. I noticed my body was more toned and I felt better about how my body looked. This only fed more into me not wanting to eat. I went through most of the fall eating about 1.5 meals a day and lost 10 pounds my senior season. After receiving counseling and understanding that I couldn’t keep up with not fueling my body, I slowly drifted from these bad habits.
Fast forward a few months from then, and I’m now a professional athlete, where diet and nutrition are important and something that must be taken care of. I still wanted to maintain a toned and fit body, while still taking in the nutrients and calories I needed to remain healthy and energized. My rookie season was a time of trial and error, trying to figure out what worked best for my body. I did everything from the paleo diet to vegan and vegetarian. Nothing really stuck until later on (fun fact: I’m a pescatarian now). But deep down, I didn’t really care about what food I was eating or how it energized me, I just wanted to LOOK like a professional athlete. So, if eating leafy greens and protein shakes gave me a six-pack and toned legs, then that’s what I would do.
There was a clear stereotype of what a professional athlete looked like in my mind during my first two years as a professional. It was someone who had a toned body and could rock a swimsuit and whose legs were jacked. Most of my life, I have not fit into any of those categories. I could do ab workouts every day for 30 minutes and I wouldn’t see results. I would get so defeated, but I noticed that skipping meals showed progress.
The human psyche can be a twisted place. You know things are bad for you, but you continually do them, because the sick part inside of you feels good when you get what you want. You feel good, and so you continue down a dangerous path.
Now I’m going into year three of being a professional soccer player (cRazY!!). And guess what, I still struggle with this. My weight fluctuates often. I sometimes struggle to consume more than 2000 calories a day. I’m not proud of it by any means, but sometimes I don’t know how to stop the cycle. Skipping lunch can be super easy. And when you do it enough your body “adjusts” to it. And it all comes back to this idea of wanting to “look” the part of a professional athlete. I have to fight those thoughts in my mind that eating a meal will make it harder to look the way I want.
The truth is, there is no one way to “look” when it comes to being a professional athlete, or any type of athlete for that matter. There is this thing called genes that we have that actually determine a lot (hope you could sense my sarcasm in that statement). Some people can get a toned body easily, others cannot. Some people can gain muscle quick, others cannot. There is so much we can control regarding our physical bodies, but I think controlling our mind and what we allow in and out is so much more important. For so long, I’ve believed the lie that I need to look a certain way in order to do my job. That is completely FALSE. That is a lie that has crept up over time into my mind and has consumed me and controlled me. There are a million different body types regarding athletes, and it’s a shame we think there is a certain mold that they must fit into.
I know this is a common thing that people struggle with, particularly young women. I know men who struggle with this too, though. It’s universal that we all want to look the part, and some may feel anxious when they don’t meet the world’s standard. I’m here to tell you that you are made PERFECTLY, and anyone who tells you different is lying to you. There is such beauty to your body, and I hope and pray you can see that and love yourself because of it.
I guess I’m writing this for a few reasons. One is obviously for people who are struggling with this. I want you to know you are not alone, and this happens at EVERY level of athletics. I hope you can fall in love with the way you were made and know that you can take care of your body and be healthy and be an incredible athlete, and that looks DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. It’s not the same, so quit comparing yourselves to others and how they go about being an athlete. Focus on your body and your mind and get healthy with both.
I also write this to people on the outside. People whose minds might not have that crazy twist regarding all of this. I have reached out to people before and they simply say, “Just eat!” like it’s an easy fix. It’s really not because it’s a battle within the mind. Saying “just eat” makes me discouraged and also distances me because I feel like people just don’t get it. And I don’t blame them, but there are better responses. Getting to the core of the issue is what needs to be done. Sometimes the simple answers aren’t so simple. Our minds are wild places and have so much effect on us.
All of this to say, thank you for hearing me out. If you are struggling with this, I am here with you, and I am for you and your growth. You CAN overcome any eating disorder, any tainted idea of body image you have, any lie that penetrates your mind. You are stronger than you know. And it’s time we start releasing the things that weigh us down. The first part is admitting it. Open up to someone you trust. You can’t solve a problem if you don’t own up to what’s going on. Also, know there is NO SHAME in admitting to it. Once you name what’s going on in your life, it loses all its power and you have OVERCOME.
Keep being your beautiful self. Keep looking in the mirror and speaking positivity over your body and mind. We are what we say and do, so start being kinder to yourself. Go eat that ice cream, binge out on McDonald’s fries every once in a while (my personal favorite). Rid yourself of the lie that you need to look a certain way. God beautifully created you in HIS image. We all bear part of the image of God, that is an HONOR. And it's one of the things that ties all of humanity together, and it's something to find beauty in. You were meant to look the exact way you were made, and everything you were meant to accomplish in this life you will, with the beautiful body you were given.